Chapter 7

   There is no point in asking "What if" about past event.

   However, there is this one question I'd like to ask : Had Agnes father not passed away at the time, would her life have taken a different course?
 

September 1976.
  

   By the way, Irene was the one who heartily rejoiced in Agnes' retirement. From a practical standpoint, she was freed from the role of Agnes' private manager. Finally she could move on with her own life with plan to get married in the following year. Agnes' retirement created quite a ripple that brought happiness to her family members.
  

   To live in Canada, far a way from Japan, had been always a dream for Agnes.
   In Canada she could be free from so many restrictions and enjoy the freedom of making her own choices. In Japan, someone else took care of everything. In Canada, things are different. In the beginning, Agnes found herself struggling with even the simple task of getting supplies and
groceries. However, in her book, she said that life was full of hope despite of all the challenges.
  

   Agnes found solace in the absence of media's attention. She was able to do whatever she chose to 24 hours a day. With this newfound sense of freedom and privacy, she realized the change from "the one" to "just one of them." She began to think, "I'm not that special here in Toronto. I'm just an average petite Chinese girl. I am no longer household name, a singer or an idol. I am "陳美齢," an ordinary 21-year-old girl from Hong Kong." She tried to break away from the label "Agnes Chan" and start a new as "陳美齢." She was ready to accept all that could happen. After all, this was what she had really wanted for years.
  

   Agnes' decision to enter the University of Toronto was initially based
on the 3 year program that was offered. Initially, she thought that her her credits from her two years at Sophia University would be transferable, leaving her only a year to complete her degree but this was not the case.
The University of Toronto did not accept her credits, but she filed for an appeal and succeeded. In spite of everything, she eventually decided to extend her study to 2 years to obtain her psychology degree.
　

   Her experience at the University of Toronto was a lot more challenging than she anticipated. Believe or not, she had difficult even in English.
   The academic system was different from that of Sophia, the standards were higher, and there were lots more papers and examinations to write.
　

   The psychology program at the University of Toronto consisted of a strong emphasis on mathematical skills, for example, statistics.
Unfortunately this was an area in which Agnes suffered academically. In her attempt to be studious, she frequented the library daily to find the reference books on the subjects so as to complete her challenging assignments.
　

   In the beginning, Agnes felt she could not catch up with the rest of the class. It could be that she set herself too high a standard. At one point, she cried because she could only score 70 out of 100. However, she did not give up but clenched her teeth and kept on working hard day and night.
   Agnes did her confine herself only to her studies. She also allocated time for swimming, jogging as well as going out of the city to enjoy the magnificent Canadian nature. She went to the Niagara Falls many times.
After much challenge and trials, she also obtained her Ontario's Driver's License.

   Above all, Agnes was most delighted in making new friends. Apart from a few close ones, she did not tell them about her past. Her friends accepted her as who she was and not as a singer or idol. This was unequalled joy to her. She thought, "I've been accepted as who I am, as an ordinary girl and
no longer as a singer or idol." For a long time, she had been suffocated under the monstrous shadow of "Agnes Chan" and only by then was she able to breathe again.

   Upon her return to Japan after graduation, Agnes told reporters in an interview, "In addition to Canadians, I have made friends with people from various countries. They all love me as who I am. Friend is a mirror you look at yourself in, right? So I found my value as a person and not as
"Agnes Chan," the singer or idol. That brought me a new sense of confidence. I was able to be my natural and true self."
　

   Of course, Japanese fans did not forget Agnes. She received letters from her fans one after another. Some fans also sent her miso (fermented soybean paste) and rice crackers. Some devoted fans even went all the way to Canada to visit her. She welcomed them warmly and had supper with each of them.
   Towards the end of the year, Agnes encountered a nice man who made her heart throb. She wrote this in her book

.
    So that was the common campus life of a common female university student. The blossom of her youth was a little belated but it sure was beautiful. And she seemed to rush headlong towards her bright future.

   However, one phone call changed everything.

   That happened towards the end of February 1977, about half a year after her move to Canada.
   Just as she arrived home in Toronto from Los Angels where she went for recording under the promise with Watanabe Music Publishing Co., she got a call from her family in Hong Kong, "Your father is in critical condition. Come back as soon as possible."
  

 That same year, her father was to undergo an operation for his gallstone disease. It was not supposed to be a high-risk operation. However, a bleeding of unknown cause occurred after the operation. The second operation took place in haste. It was then that the family decided to phone Agnes. Upon receiving the call, she set everything aside and rushed to Hong Kong. There, she saw her fragile father 陳燧棠.

   Upon seeing Agnes enter the room, 陳燧棠 found himself in tears. He thought to himself, "美齢, my youngest daughter, whom I want to see most."
 He felt sorry that although Agnes had turned 21, she did not have a steady boyfriend, never mind settling down. "I want to see you in your wedding dress. I want to find a nice man for you," said 陳燧棠 to Agnes while struggling to breathe.

   The third operation was performed to determine the cause of bleeding, but it was of no avail. The operation only robbed him of his vitality. By then, he also developed problem in the kidney. His condition turned critical.
   After the fourth operation, he was not sent to his room but to the intensive care unit. His family could only watch him through the window.
　

They did not go home but engaged in a single-minded effort to pray every day at the hospital.
   "Please let him get well soon ! "
   "Please don't let him die! "
 

  For a short while, his condition seemed to improve. But 陳燧棠 departed from this world remaining unconscious on March 24th, despite his family's intensive prayer.

His last words to her were, "Please take care of my wife and two younger sons."
　

   He was at the tender age of 53.
　

   Strangely, that day was the 31st wedding anniversary between 陳燧棠 and 彭端淑.
　

  Death of Agnes' father 陳燧棠 brought her a major impact. The sadness of losing her loved one was not easily gone. He was her lighthouse that has helped her voyage in the darkness of life. He was a ray of light that shine and illuminated her course, and gave her hope. This light was suddenly turned off.

   Agnes realized that how big part of her life he was. "But he will never return no matter how I wish. I have to go only on my own from now on. I have to keep on going the journey alone with the help of my own compass. And I have to think of not only myself, but also my mother and two younger brothers."

   Agnes' eldest brother had been already married and had his own family. Among her two elder sisters, Irene had decided to get married and would leave home (because of the father's death, her wedding was held in May 1978, one year after the originally date). And Helen, another sister, would soon get married and leave home in the future. Agnes needed

to take care of the remaining --  her mother and two younger brothers. Of course this was her father's wish too.

   "I have to be fast on my feet" she thought to herself. Agnes had a strong sense of responsibility. She acted courageously hiding her sadness. not to shed tears in front of her mother and brothers. That wafted even her wrench. It was a bit too heavy for a girl who was once a spoiled child, though she was already 21 years old.

   At the time, Agnes was offered to visit to Japan. With the family recommendation. She decided to go to Japan not only for herself, but also for the diversion of her mother.

   On May 16th, 19777, Agnes visited Japan with her mother 彭端淑. Her black dress like mourning showed her sadness. And at the press conference, she shed years when she was asked about her father.

Agnes at the press conference

   In her visiting Japan at the time, during her one month stay until June 17th, it was schedule that she would perform three concerts in which she preformed twice, the matinee and in the evening. She also had an LP recording and appeared on many radio and TV programs.

   About a week later after her arrival, something unexpected happened. Her mother got angry, looking at Agnes who was busy without giving way to tears as if she had forgotten her father.

   "Agnes, did you already forget your father?"

   Agnes thought of her mother, visited to Japan for her mother and tried particularly to act cheerfully to ease up her mother's sadness. But this intention did not get through to her mother.

   She was shocked.

   She, herself, was almost overwhelmed by the sadness for her father. And she was supported by the idea that she had to do something to help her mother. But the support was broken. And her mental balance was lost. She lost control of her emotional, this situation continued about for a week.

   But she finally regained her composure after completing half of her schedule in Japan. And she found gentle eyes of her staffs, friends and fans who warmly watched her and encouraged her. And she swore in her mind that, "I have to return a favor to them for sure."

   Agnes went back to Canada in September to complete her final year.

   She worked harder than before. It's not only because her study habit had built up since February, but also because she thought that to throw herself into studying was the only way to reward her father who yearned her for getting education and standing on her own as a woman. To study and graduate with fine grade, was the only tribute to her father, which she could do.

   Getting accustomed to the class system and acquiring the knack of the study, Agnes steadily extended the reach of her study. Originally she had a potential, and moreover she fully showed her characteristic perseverance. And she developed to an excellent student. The list of students' grade repots was always displayed on the wall of the hallway at the

University. Her name was placed at second or third of the list. On the other hand, the changing of Japan side came out as she came closer to her graduation. It's not clear, but in late 1977 or early 1978, she was offered to return by the Watanabe Agency she had belonged.

   The Watanabe Agency had been once called the "Empire in the show business world." But at the time, the Agency was losing the momentum to bygone era. The Agency could not ride the tide of the quick changing in the show business and persisted in the old-fashioned way. Therefore the Agency had been anxious to get the new faces. Under this situation, the Agency wanted someone who can earned assuredly as much as possible.

   Agnes' fan club had continued its activity after her retirement. The club still held 2,000 members at the period of 1978. They continued to wait for her believing her words that, "I will surely come back." It would have been a waste for the Agency not to use the fan club. Her comeback was expected to bring benefits to both the Agency and her fans, though the

meanings of "benefit" were fairly different from each other.

   Agnes felt confusion about the offer. It's because she did not intend to come back up to that point. She wrote so in her book. She thought Japanese fans were her friends, but she drew a sharp contrast between her course and the comeback. However, the offer stirred up strong her passion for music that was asleep in her deep mind (rather, she suppressed).

   In February 1978, a CM video shooting crew came to Canada. At the time, Mr. Ogi also came with the crew. Mr. Ogi was one of her managers she had placed her the confidence. She consulted him about her comeback. He agreed with her comeback.

   In April of  the same year, Mr. Nagai came to see Agnes to Canada. He was a staff of the magazine "Myojo" published by Shuei-sha, and she had known him since before her debut in Japan. And he agreed with her comeback too. He said her that, "Many singers debuted in these two years, but singers like you never did."

   Agnes had hesitated. Rather, it could be said that she flustered. She lost her composure and  became not to see well what she really wanted to do.

The needle of her own compass she began to use, only turned round and round, and never showed the point she should go clearly.

   "What would dad say, if I consulted him?".  Her desire to consult with him grew, but of course it did not come true. She had to decide by herself.

   At the time, Agnes was recommended to take graduate school entrance exam, and she did. It could be one of the options for her post-graduate programs. But the fact that she took the entrance exam on other people's recommendation, showed her hesitation.

   Agnes received a letter of acceptance from the graduate school. Moreover she got a scholarship, $4,000 per a year. If it's the same as in Japan, only a few of high achievers can get scholarship. This shows how fine student she was.

   At this point, there were four options for her post-graduate programs;

    - Lawyer

    - Doctor of Psychology

    - Shop owner

    - Singer

   Agnes could not decided.